The Up's and Down's of Brain Waves

18 months. That's roughly what it's been since I last posted. A lot has happened, so much has changed, and yet it's crazy how much is the same. I still have these random rambling thoughts that bounce around in my brain, banging back and forth, bringing both joy and pain, anger and peace, fear and courage. There are days, like today, when I get awfully and dreadfully discouraged, doubting every particle of my so-called reality, disbelieving everything I once thought I knew. These days are rough, to say the least. I feel as if they come more often than they should, seemingly without specific cause or reason. And then there are days that are great, or so I tell myself. On these days, I see everything around me in a better light. I forgive more easily; I serve more willingly; I expect less, give more, and try harder. I suppose one thing that troubles me today is the question 'where is my baseline?' I ask myself, am I the type of person who needs a reason, or something special to happen in order to be happy? Is my baseline a sad, pitiful existence that constantly denies itself happiness unless given some extraordinary circumstance or reason to be otherwise? Or, on the contrary, am I happy as a rule, consistently looking for the simple reasons to be happier, and only getting down when some unusual situation presents itself? Where is my baseline? If my baseline were consistently happy, would that really be happiness? Would the joy lose its savor? Does my baseline really need to be one or the other, or is there some place in between, a place where I am neither happy nor sad, but simply there? 

There's another confusing idea: complacency and happiness versus discovery and progress. I want to be happy. I really do. Ideally, I would like to be optimistic all the time, or at least most of the time. Personally, I am the type of person to push my personal limits- I always expect as close to perfection as it gets, and my best is hardly ever enough. There are pros and cons to this mindset of mine. By pushing myself, the end results are, in all honesty, pretty high quality. I find myself exceeding others' expectations and occasionally even my own. I am quite willing to try new things, and am often discovering, exploring, and progressing to new levels and ideas that I never thought I would reach. However, I am constantly telling myself that what I do is not good enough, and therefore I am not good enough. I almost always set my bar higher than I originally think I'll be able to reach, because if I do reach it the fulfillment is extraordinary. The problems arise when the bar is too high, or when I fall too short. The question is, should I lower the bar so that I can always reach it, essentially eliminating the discouragement of failure, or do I leave the bar as is and push on to further progress? Should I be consistently complacent and content? Or is it better to succeed occasionally while frequently falling into the flames of failure? I personally prefer progress. Sure, days like today, when I am utterly discouraged, really drag. Yeah, it does require more of me- more time, more work, more thought, more effort. But those times when I do succeed, the days when I look back and see how far I've come, that's what makes it all worth it. Maybe this mindset isn't for everyone, but it is for me. 

"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

"Discontent is the first necessity of progress." -Thomas Edison

"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm." -Winston Churchill